the blog goes dark

Have you noticed that this blog has been more sparsely posted than the past? Have you noticed the weeks rolling by with just Mo’s treatment updates and happy fridays? The blog’s gone dark – and here’s why.

Since Mo’s been home this summer I’ve handed over the reins of Myositis Colorado – he said he wanted to contribute more so I backed away from the laptop.

Up until April this blog had been 99.99% my idea, my project, my way to connect. I created all the pages, I gathered the resources, I wrote the posts, and I hunted YouTube and Pinterest for inspiring quotes and informative videos.

I’ve tried to involve myself with the KIT group – bringing in refreshments for the meetings, taking meeting notes to post the information here for those unable to attend, replying to most the emails that come in for support.

I’ve put my heart and soul into trying to raise funds and awareness for myositis. I’ve created webpages for our Picnic in the Park events, sought out donations, contacted media, started signups to get the group involved, I’ve run the auctions, and started a group fund and checking account. I put together the coin fundraiser, the t-shirt design contest, and I’m the one doing all the screen printing of those t-shirts.

Maybe you haven’t noticed what I’ve done – and maybe that’s my fault. When I sign most the emails it’s from “Mo & Nicole Bolger”. When you look at the “About Us” page on this blog I say that this is OUR pet project. I say WE a helluva a lot more than I say I.

Well I’m done.

This week I got two private messages on my Facebook page asking “How’s Mo doing?”. Nope, not “How are YOU doing?”.

For those that might care, I’ve been really shitty.

These past months have been very hard for me. I’ve been worried, angry,  resentful, exhausted, frustrated, annoyed, and generally pissed off. Very few people have checked in with both of us, even fewer have checked in with me. I’ve asked for help but those requests have for the most part fallen on deaf ears.

A while back Mo and I were talking about how this flare has been so different than what we had expected and in many ways how much harder it’s been to cope. We were talking about me not having an outlet (last time I had a job outside the house), and that we are a family not individuals anymore (we weren’t married nor did we have Conor back in 2007)

Mo: “Well yeah, this time you have two people to take care…”

Me: “No, I have three people to take care of. I STILL COUNT!”

I’m not looking for pity. I’m not even really looking for sympathy.

I don’t want anyone to think this is a cry for help. Because the truth is I just. don’t. care. anymore.

In fact I’m taking “Caregiver” off my job title. The hours are horrible and the pay is shit. Oh, and if you want to know how Mo is, private message him instead.

End Rant.



One thought on “the blog goes dark

  1. Ohhhhh Nicole 😦 I’m sorry you’re so unhappy. Thanks for pointing out (to put it mildly) that those of us with the disease tend to think we’re all that matters. Obviously, that’s not the case. And we should be more grateful. And just so you know, in all of my interactions with this blog and the group (and email), I knew who was really in charge when it said Mo & Nicole 😛 Thanks for all you’ve done. Please take a well-deserved break!

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